Singleness and it's effects have played a role in my life since my Senior Year of college. I have had many conversations with friends on this topic and how they are handling their state of singleness within the church. However these emotions and struggles are not voiced at all, but are kept within.
I am among the guilty in this and when I recently read an article by Owen Strachan titled
"A New Model for Living Single" I thought it might be time for the voice of someone who is single to be heard.
Where do I begin? I should start by saying that this post is a difficult one for me because I am inviting you into a delicate area of my life. I hope this post will be helpful to all those who are single and might struggle but fear expressing it. I also hope that it will be helpful to those who are married with single friends, in seeing how they can care for them.
I am a 26 year old female who lives with roommates, is single and has never dated before. Singleness is currently the stage in my life where the Lord has me and it is not something I have control over.
Do I have a desire to be married someday? Yes.
Do I know if I will be? No.
Do I have a desire to hear the sound of kids being carried through my home? Yes.
Is singleness something I have chosen? No.
In Strachan's article he mentions that with the changing statistics of marriage over the years, the church is contemplating how and if they have cared for their singles. If you ask a single person in your church, they may more times than not tell you that they do not feel cared for. I confess that on some days that is me.
I can not say that it is entirely the church's fault in this situation, for a relationship is two sided and for one person to do all the work is exhausting. Singles have to be willing to put in the work and not take every word or action to heart, which is easier said than done.
I was pleased to see Strachan list some approaches that are unhelpful to singles; for these are some of the things that have dominated our conversations among one another as singles, especially single women.
His examples are:
* In some cases we have shamed singles. "Can't you just find someone you'd like to settle down with? Is it really that hard"
* In others, we've talked down to singles. "I want you to know that I am here to help you through this condition." We make it sound as if singleness is a disease - when the apostle Paul says it's the state he prefers. (1 Corinthians 7)
* At other times, we've simply ignored singles. Too many sermons and pastoral prayers, for example, treat only the realities of marriage. "We pray for husbands and wives for their flourishing, their protection, their happiness … and, Lord, for everyone else."
I would like to respond to each of these examples individually.
1. I can not tell you how many times I have heard some version of the first situation. And while yes the people asking are concerned for you, the words are also hurtful, especially as a female. Other than the fact that as a female I am not the pursuer, there is no reason to give you as to why I am still single other than clearly it currently is not in God's plan for me to be married. These questions make the recipient look at themselves and wonder if maybe there is something wrong with them. Maybe they really are intimidating to guys as they have been told.
Secondly, it makes them question God and ask why not? when? is it ever going to happen? You wonder if He really knows what He is doing.
Thirdly, it creates within them an animosity toward the person asking and a desire not to engage in future conversations if they are all going to turn out the same.Yes they are just words and can not physically hurt, but they cut deeper than one thinks sometimes. So the next time you approach someone who is single in your church, please think about your words before they are said. And singles, don't get annoyed and walk away. Remember that they care for you and kindly let them know if the way they are phrasing the question is not helpful. (I myself am guilty of not doing this)
2. Singleness is not something that can be cured by doctors. The only prescription is the Gospel and love of Christ. While yes we want to talk to someone about this time, we want it to be with someone who will truly listen and not just "listen". Please do not stand there and respond with a "just be content" or say with such assurity that it will happen one day. You can not guarantee that, unless God has revealed something to you that he hasn't to me. This only frustrates us and pushes us away even further. We want someone who is willing to walk through this time with us, encouraging us and helping us to remember that our true relationship and satisfaction is found in Christ. Again though, we as singles need to speak up and make clear to others when we are struggling and what in that time is helpful or not helpful.
3. I do not fully agree with the example given in the third statement. If you are attending a gospel preaching church that practices expository preaching then the example given is not a situation you should run into often. I do however think that it is easy for singles to feel ignored among the Church body.
We are more often felt to be ignored in the events, actions and lives of the church members. We want to be involved in your lives, but if you are someone who does not include singles because they are not in the same stage of life as you &/or it's easier to engage with people who are, guess what, relationships are not easy. It forces us to be segregated and prevents us from viewing Christ centered marriages in all that they are. Also singles, do not shy away from making friends with couples & families. If they don't invite you over, invite them to your place. Invite them to the Zoo, to a festival, or something that is fun for the whole family. I know you like doing those things too.
I pose the question to both sides: how is this situation displaying the gospel to the world? We are constantly told that the church is a place of relationships that don't make sense to the outside world. But by not building those relationships how are we different?
Strachan ends his article with four thoughts for singles to help them rethink singleness. While I enjoyed these points I think there is something in them to be learned whether married or single. Ok, I promise to keep this last part as short as possible.
1. You should feel complete freedom to wrestle with your thoughts.
Yes! Some of us are content to remain single our entire lives while others, such as myself, struggle daily with enjoying the freedoms of singleness and desiring marriage. We are constantly told to be content in our current stage, but are rarely asked how we are handling that. The struggle is then turned inward and is even harder, for we then think this is something for us to struggle through alone. This is not what the Christian life should be. It is to be lived openly among a body of believers where we are to care for one another during our times of joy and hardships.
Singles, please speak up. Find someone in the church to meet with regularly, to read through the bible and be open with. Church, please be willing to listen and sincerely listen. Please ask those tough questions and see how we are genuinely doing.
2. If you do feel some desire to be married, pour out your heart to God.
This is an area that I myself struggle with. So many times we run to others for our problems or just to vent our frustration, when in fact we should be going to God first. He is our creator and father. He cares for His children and wants them to come to Him in prayer. He is the one who can comfort us and fulfill the desires of our heart, but our desires should be His desires. We should be praying for the unreached people and growth of disciples more than ourselves, but when we make our requests known to God we should also be asking that our desires would match His desires. The church can participate in this with us by going to God on our behalf and asking not only for our desires to be fulfilled but that we would draw near to Him in this period and cling to the Cross in times of doubt. Pray too that we would use this time to glorify Him in areas where those who are married can not.
3. Experience the electric satisfaction of building a family; a spiritual one.
Singles, realize that you have a family already in the body of Christ. I don't know about you but I get excited every time we have a baptism at church, someone new is joining, or a story is shared about how they have shared the gospel. It just means my family is that much bigger. So invest your life in the life of the church. Go on a mission trip, care for their children & the widows, listen to their struggles, and be there for them in times of joy and sadness. Likewise Church, while singles make great babysitters that's not the only thing they enjoy doing. We have to shop for food, we enjoy a night out on the town, going bowling, playing golf, or a simple BBQ in the backyard.
4. You should feel complete freedom to enjoy the life God has given you.
I do not think there is much for me to say on this section other than to read what Strachan has written. I could not have said it any better.
In conclusion I would like to end on a little reminder. Singleness does not always get easier as you get older. In some ways it gets harder, with the continual parade of marriage after marriage, followed by pregnancy after pregnancy. It is a constant struggle in those times, you are truly ecstatic for the person but also have this sense of hurt and longing in your heart. Get it out! Go to God and confess this to him, then confess it to that person who is keeping you accountable. The church is not going to know how to care for us if we are not verbal. This is something I have to preach to myself all the time.
Also remember that you are not alone in this journey, for God has and never will leave you or let you go through a trial on your own. He has provided you with a spiritual family who cares deeply and wants the best for you.
I hope that this has been insightful and encouraging. Sorry it is so long but there is much to be said.
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